Anxiety…is like a vice grip on your throat, closing it, making it difficult to swallow, pumping your tear ducts into overdrive, causing clear fluid to drip out of your nostrils and a rapid heart beat.
Today, I came clean. I figured that I have received an excellent mid-probation performance review, so I should tell my boss that I am pregnant. My probation was done the next day – I would be fine.
I had a flashback to when I was interviewing for this job 6 months ago. I sought my Aunt’s advice because she is at the top of the hierarchy in the same system that I was hoping to work for. I was at the time – pregnant (the baby I miscarried at 6.5 weeks). She laughed that I even thought it was a concern. She said, we understand that you young women are going to get pregnant – it is not something to hide – it is something to celebrate. Besides, she said, there are anti-discrimination laws protecting you.
So, I told my boss. Stupidly. She feigned happiness. She said she suspected and was glad I was honest with her. I told her I was not trying to be dishonest and filled her in on my history of miscarriages. I told her I had wanted to just make it to my first trimester screening (coming up this Monday). She ended the conversation by letting me know that she might have to extend my probation because of this, she would run it by her boss first.
I panicked as I headed back to my desk. I quickly drafted an email letting her know that I could fill in over the Christmas holidays as people we on vacation. I did not want this to be an issue that makes it difficult for my coworkers. She wrote back, “Absolutely not! Sorry, baby trumps all else. We will make it work.” I emailed in return, “Yeah – but I might need to come in for a day or two! It would not be an issue – and it might be a good way to transition back as I would ending the near of my time off – I thought I would offer! “That is me – trying not to be a problem.
That is it – that single declaration she uttered about extending my probationary period is giving me so much anxiety. I have completely lost any trust I had for my boss. I am so freaked out right now, when I should be thrilled. Happy that I have made it to my 12th week of pregnancy – complication free, but no I am panicking over the fate of my Job.
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