Civility and the toddler brain...

I have recently been thinking a lot about the proper way to handle disagreements with my husband. There is not doubt in my mind my insecurities about our relationship play a role in our fights. For this, I accept responsibility.

More concerning, is his anger. I am always worried about two things (1) my crying; and (2) his yelling. Despite the numerous times I have talked to my husband about how our son is too young to realize that we still love him, even when we are fighting, that our battles will leave emotional scars. Despite my pleas, he keeps yelling - then I keep crying. I do not even know what is on my husband's mind as he gives me a verbal beatdown in front of our son. Does he think this will strengthen his character? I know the answer - it will not strengthen him.


If our child grows up in an environment where mommy is always crying because daddy is yelling at her, he will feel as if he himself is under attack and his sense of security, peace and happiness will be destroyed. I think all parents will become angry with each other in the presence of their young children, but the key is to attempt to maintain a reasonably pleasant atmosphere until you are alone. It is my hope this will spare our son from dealing with relationship complexities before he is developmentally able.

Checking in with Dr. Phil he states that parent who have yell at each other in front of their young children are a part of a "silent epidemic." This behavior does not strengthen then, but makes them more—rather than less—vulnerable to stress. Dr. Phil further confirms what I inherently know (and tried to tell my husband). The toddler brain cannot process exactly what is happening, they just know their environment is threatened, volatile and uncertain. This is very scary and confusing for toddlers who lack the mental capacity to understand - I am always worried about the insecurity issues this can cause if our arguments continue to be so severe or frequent.

I really hope we can focus on saving our disagreements for when we are alone. At the very least, he needs to stop yelling, then I will stop crying. If he cannot stop the hostilities, then I need to remember to breath, reassure my son by saying, "Despite this argument, Mommy and Daddy love each other and we both love you!"

I never have been a Dr. Phil fan, but he proposes a few simple rules for fighting with civility. I think it would be wise for my husband to consider these.

We need to do our best to contain our anger until you are alone. I am hoping that my husband will realize that will be easier to postpone our argument in order to nourish our son's emotional security and physical health. I cannot express this enough. The urge to protect brings out a strong flight instinct in momma bears, as wrong as it may be to even consider such things in light of personal history.

So last night was hard. I went upstairs and cuddled with my husband watching "2012." I figured, why not live it up if this is our last night on Earth, given the coming Rapture. As, I ventured to the bathroom, I check in on my little toddler. Before I got to him, the smell of bile hit my nose hard. I rushed over to the crib. There was so much vomit it reminded me of the Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Thank god, he was in a sweet vomit covered sleep. How come I did not hear him?

So I quickly wetting a wash cloth and cleaned him off. After changing him into new pajamas, I laid him in bed next to my husband then went to gather up his bedding. The smell was so vile, I spent the night doing laundry.

So, today is the last day on Earth and I feel terrible (not fine). Oh well, Alex is fine today, not missing a beat.

Evaluation: Can I do this?

I am evaluating whether or not I a truly dedicated to writing this blog. I had a strong start, but I have been lousy at keeping it up. Part of it has to do with a very deep sadness I feel that prohibits me from doing beyond the bare minimum. I know, it sounds like depression - but I do not think it is quite there yet. I find it so exhausting to keep up with my son. Intellectually and physically, I am seeking new and old ways of stimulating his development - swimming, tumbling and bike rides. Hey, in the process, I have lost five pounds - only fifteen to go!

I need to make this a part of my routine...

Happy Mother's Day

Honestly my Mother's Day kinda sucked. I hate to say it, but I have all of these expectations on how I want the day to go, and it always falls short. I wanted to sleep in, get breakfast made for me, get a backrub. I love my husband, but he has a difficult time doing what I want for a day. He is always reminding me that me is the sole breadwinner in the household - and how lucky I am to have someone take care of me. Do not get me wrong, I am happy that I get to stay home with my son...but this stings because he knows I would rather be working.

Overall, we had a good day. I wanted to go to the zoo, we went. I got a present, a small peice of pottery. All I wanted was some pleasant family time. I spent the afternoon with my mom and aunt. My husband cooked for all of us. I came home and fell asleep in a somewhat wine foggy daze.

All day, I felt sad. I kept thinking about the baby I lost and how I would be at the end of my second trimester. I really, really need some time to feel the gravity of this loss.