Civility and the toddler brain...

I have recently been thinking a lot about the proper way to handle disagreements with my husband. There is not doubt in my mind my insecurities about our relationship play a role in our fights. For this, I accept responsibility.

More concerning, is his anger. I am always worried about two things (1) my crying; and (2) his yelling. Despite the numerous times I have talked to my husband about how our son is too young to realize that we still love him, even when we are fighting, that our battles will leave emotional scars. Despite my pleas, he keeps yelling - then I keep crying. I do not even know what is on my husband's mind as he gives me a verbal beatdown in front of our son. Does he think this will strengthen his character? I know the answer - it will not strengthen him.


If our child grows up in an environment where mommy is always crying because daddy is yelling at her, he will feel as if he himself is under attack and his sense of security, peace and happiness will be destroyed. I think all parents will become angry with each other in the presence of their young children, but the key is to attempt to maintain a reasonably pleasant atmosphere until you are alone. It is my hope this will spare our son from dealing with relationship complexities before he is developmentally able.

Checking in with Dr. Phil he states that parent who have yell at each other in front of their young children are a part of a "silent epidemic." This behavior does not strengthen then, but makes them more—rather than less—vulnerable to stress. Dr. Phil further confirms what I inherently know (and tried to tell my husband). The toddler brain cannot process exactly what is happening, they just know their environment is threatened, volatile and uncertain. This is very scary and confusing for toddlers who lack the mental capacity to understand - I am always worried about the insecurity issues this can cause if our arguments continue to be so severe or frequent.

I really hope we can focus on saving our disagreements for when we are alone. At the very least, he needs to stop yelling, then I will stop crying. If he cannot stop the hostilities, then I need to remember to breath, reassure my son by saying, "Despite this argument, Mommy and Daddy love each other and we both love you!"

I never have been a Dr. Phil fan, but he proposes a few simple rules for fighting with civility. I think it would be wise for my husband to consider these.

We need to do our best to contain our anger until you are alone. I am hoping that my husband will realize that will be easier to postpone our argument in order to nourish our son's emotional security and physical health. I cannot express this enough. The urge to protect brings out a strong flight instinct in momma bears, as wrong as it may be to even consider such things in light of personal history.