I am stuck...

Okay, so what is a few months missing on a blog anyways - no one but my faithful friend "Makishka" reads me anyways. Maybe Mom, but that is it. Also, I have not really told anyone about my blog...crazy cyberstalkers freak me out.

The truth is, I am stuck. I cannot really move forward without coping with the loss of my 2nd pregnancy. I think about it - alot! Tonight I wll break down the different stages of grief, as it relates to this loss:

• Denial. I sort of skipped this one, I never denied it, when the doctor told me that my baby was incompatable with life, I believed it. When I sought a second opinion and heard the same thing, I believed it. At no point did I allow myself to gain hope in believing anything else.
• Anger. I was angry - I was mad at my partner for making me hunt mice with him all night long on Christmas, when we had some weird infestation of them. All, I could do in my mind was blame him for exposing me to mice dropping (not proven to be linked to Alobar Holoprosencephaly, but anger is rarely rational). I fel the did not care, becuase he never wanted to talk about it.
• Guilt. This was plentiful (I was raised Catholic). I felt there was so much I could have done different. I could have relaxed, taken my prenatal vitamins BEFORE concieving, etc.

• Depression. YES! YES! YES! I was very depressed. My pain made me feel such inadequacy and self-pity, that I hated me. I tried to take pleasure in spending time with my son, husband, whomever, but I really did not enjoy company. I clung to my son like he would disppear, I pushed my husband away (I blamed him). I was too depressed to get myself to go to the funeral service offered by the hospital for early pregnany loss.

Now, I move toward, the final stage:





Utrasound picture of our second child. Features of Alobar Holoprosencephaly were very pronounced.


• Acceptance. I am not there yet, I still have some residual anger and anxiety. I am certian, that I will accept it eventaully, but for now I am not there. I still want to look over the pictures from the utrasound again, I am still grieving, but moving closer to acceptance.

Now, I am pregnant again. I cannot really allow myself to think about it too much. I want to be excited, but then anxiety kicks in, All I can do is sit there and wait. Hope that nothing is wrong, not getting too attached, not even allowing myself the flicker of a fantasy that all is well. I hope it is, but I know all to well now not to make any plans.