Reality sets in...

So last Wednesday, I had an ultrasound. I should have been 7 1/2 weeks along according to my last menstrual period (LMP). According to the ultrasound, I measured at 6 1/2. In and of itself, not a big deal, except combined with the fact that the tech was unable to find a heartbeat. I waiting for the radiologist. She came in and told me that it could just be that the baby is not far enough along to get a heartbeat. She felt it was best for me to come in for a follow up ultrasound a week later.  My heart was breaking inside. I am fairly in tune with my body, I knew that despite no cramping or bleeding something was wrong. My breasts had been tender and the nipples had turned dark. I noticed that they did not seem as tender and the nipples were getting lighter. My husband did not seem to want to talk about it until the follow up ultrasound. I really did not have anyone to share things with (still do not).

I carried on for a dreadfully slow week. Despite the midwife's orders not to do anything stress, my husband did nothing but unload stress upon me, not giving any room for my hormonal mistakes, or emotional responses. His needs were higher than mine and he needed to make sure I knew it (again, not talking about my child). The weekend before my follow up ultrasound was terrible, despite attempts to create a stress free environment, enjoy time with my toddler, my husband decided it was the weekend to call me out on my mistakes and beat them all to death in repetitive conversation.  I am having a hard time forgiving him for that. lucky for him, I love him.


The weekend is over, I know something is wrong, I try talking about it, but my husband tells me to be optimistic. He does not want to have the conversation until we know something.

Busy week, visited a couple daycares. I want to write a post about childcare, it feels like the hardest decision I have to make. I have a second job interview on Thursday (tomorrow). 

Finally Wednesday has arrived. My mom picks me up and we head to my appointment...

I will have to finish my post in a later post, getting to painful to write and my son is waking up from his nap.