So where did I leave off?

...I left off at the last nightmare, going in for a follow up ultrasound on the 21st. I was nervous, paranoid that all of my pregnancy symptoms had left me. My breasts, once sore and tender with darker nipples, were not sore and nipples were pink again. I know my body, I knew I was not pregnant, but ever the opti-pessimist, I attempted to suppress the reality.

I went in for the appointment. They had moved to a new location, I remember thinking about how nice the new office is, then I went into the much larger ultrasound room.  I had an vaginal ultrasound. The tech, an woman in her late 50s, was kind. She took some measurements of my ovaries, the wait was driving me nuts, I did not care about my fucking ovaries - what of my pregnancy. Then she went to look for the baby, ahh, found it. She took some measurements, ever the concerned look on her face. She turned on the microphone. There was a dead, hollow sound that filled the room, she did not let it stay on for long, shook her head and ended the ultrasound. I can still hear that sound, the sound of the absence of sound.  She told nicely to get dressed, she was going to get my midwife.

I waited, I knew. I called my husband, told him there was not good news. He told me now was the time to freak out, be upset, now that we have scientific evidence that something was wrong. I gather he did not trust my womanly intuition. My midwife came in, knew I had been crying, put her hand on my shoulder and said she was sorry. I asked her to speak to my husband, she took the phone, told us that there was still no heartbeat, and just as concerning, the fetus did not grow from the previous week. We guess the baby died two weeks ago at 6 1/2 weeks. That my LMP date was probably correct. Regardless, the diagnosis was a missed miscarriage...

My options were to either wait, go in for a D&C or take Misoprostol to induce the "abortion" of the dead fetus. We opted for the drug, a D & C is too invasive (again) and waiting is not the best option when your interviewing for jobs and chasing a toddler around. Neat and tidy decision, she handed the phone back to me. I told my husband I would call him later.

I am filled with sadness, need a hug. I almost cannot process this. when my husband comes home and drones on about his day, with little acknowledgment of OUR loss. I want to throw something at his head. I hold it in. My agner at his indifference with come out some other way. I need to hold it together, I have a job interview tomorrow. Weekend plans: to have a miscarriage.

So my next post with be about my Misoprostol miscarriage.

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